I'm not giving up.

Cross posting this from my livejournal, just to give an update that I'm not dead yet.

Today I did an intake at a mental health clinic. I have an appointment with a psychiatrist in June, if I don't manage to show up on a day no one else does. I would have stayed longer today for Counseling Orientation, and I still might go as it's not until 2pm, but I needed to come back to eat something, and I don't know that I'll be up to biking another 10 miles.

I'm feeling a bit better, Monday I'm going to send out my resume and apply online to a few places (I never knew that craigslist is a viable place to find jobs). Maybe turn in all the ones I've picked up and visit the welfare office too. This weekend I'm going to clean/organize my things down to the bare necessities (I've accrued more belongings already and I already had too much with me before) and do some volunteer work. I roughly want to schedule going every other day or so, at least two or three days a week. If not today, I'll definitely go to the Counseling orientation next Friday.

I'm more certain of my plans now. I'm still going to try to get a job here, and I need to start some more preliminary conversations with the colleges I'm looking at, but I'm fairly confident that I'll have enough FAFSA money to live on for awhile, and really, I just need a little extra leg up on the world and I can make it. I do think my boyfriend should sign up for FAFSA and get his associate's degree too, although things with his parents are complicated and could cause trouble for him.

I think I know what to talk to my mom about when I call her, I'm not giving up and admitting defeat and slinking back home, I'm going to go back to school, but stay with my mom for the summer until my FAFSA disbursement lets me get a place of my own. Assuming I don't find a job, which looks like more of a possibility now that I have a slightly better idea of where to look and how to present myself.

And I'll be seeing my boyfriend again today and hopefully we'll talk more now that my thoughts are a little more organized.

I've got a few weeks to make a final decision on what I'm doing, I need to get a Nevada ID to get services at the place I'm at, but if I move back to CA, it'll be another year before I qualify for residency again. I would rather stay here, eventually getting a job with the Animal Foundation or Animal Control and taking advantage of the better outreach infrastructure that is lacking near my mom's and lower costs of living than Orange County.