Waking up

Note: I wrote this some time ago, don't know why I didn't post it then, it seems pretty complete to me.

I've finally started to emerge from the torpor of my woes. A combination of the imminent spring, bringing with it more light and time, a clearing of my life of all distractions, the necklace which is both a symbol of the relationship I have with my mother, and an opal compass rose, giving me direction.

My gods are speaking to me again, a post I'm gathering together now, and I no longer feel pain in remembering the wrongs that were done to me. I've put that behind me and am prepared to keep moving forward in a new life. I'm more motivated to my art work, and even tentatively reexamining my career options, though I still remain quite trepidatious about going out into the real world.

I divide my life into three categories. Family, Art, and Work.

The first is self-explanatory, kith and kin, social interactions, relationships, friends. It is stable at present, and hopefully will have the opportunity to regrow, after having had a rather drastic pruning.

My Art is my soul, it includes my spirituality, as I don't think I could have the relationship I do with the magical forces I work with, without the inspiration and imagination of my art. It gives me so many skills and broadens my horizons in a way no other part of my life can challenge. My art is an integral part of me. I have learned the hard way that I cannot form an identity for myself without acknowledging my art.

The last could be called Career, and I feel like there is something missing from such prosaic descriptions. What I want to do with my life, is both simpler and more complicated than what it becomes upon facing The Real World. I need animals, I breath them, I dream them, I create them. My efforts on this front are mixed, as they factor in quite a lot in my art, and a few of them even become one with my family.

I need to see my mom

In addition to the fact it’s been awhile, things are strained with the in-laws, and I need to get some stuff, my mom just lost her job of 14 years.

I’m flat broke, or I’d be there already. There’s literally only about $3 in my bank account, leftover from Christmas money. My mom is 61 years old, a compulsive hoarder, with cataracts in both eyes and a bad back. She’s finally acknowledging that she should try to get on disability and is applying for the ACA. I know she’s dealing with some other difficulties in trying to get unemployment, and trying to fight some credit card fraud in her name.

I know I can’t fix her or solve all her problems, and I know I can’t stay in her house for more than a few weeks at a time without having a mental breakdown myself. I still want to spend some time with her, help her move some things, and just be there for her to vent to. I’d like to maybe have her come down to spend some time with me here, as much as my in-laws are problematic people, they usually put on their best behavior while someone new is in the house, and quite frankly she’ll butt in and stand up for herself if they overstep their boundaries. I think it would do her good to be in a house with some extra space. Hell, she could probably help them keep things clean and look after the baby some better than any of them have(it may seem counter intuitive that a hoarder is good at house cleaning outside of her home, but hoarding isn’t simply a result of laziness or poor  housekeeping).

But I need to go see her, and spend some time with her and talk to her and let her decide what she wants to do.

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