I'm actually not going to talk all that much about spirals here. They're important, they're the actual form of cycles of nature and the universe, very close to circles, very close to ellipses, but slowly drifting in on themselves.
But like I said, this isn't really about circles, cycles and spirals. Well, it's about one, and my favorite.
Since seeing the Lion King and watching our ball python eat live mice as a child, I've had a very visceral and vivid experience about what the cycle of Life and Death meant.
I have been rather depressed of late, and the suicidal thoughts have crept back in.
I've also been aware for awhile that I am required to have an audience with Anubis, as he is my favored representation of Death, although Death in general I see as a kind and patient presence.
My only hesitation in meeting this appointment is the knowledge/compulsion to perform a proper ritual first, it will include skull face make up and a sheer black negligee. This is both to show Anubis the proper respect that I value his favor enough to deviate from my usual approach, and also to affirm my own place in the ritual, and my own style and flair.
I haven't set up my altar since moving, and I'm not sure I intend to, and I also have not gathered the items I need for the ritual. I'm not sure that I will before I leave to California, despite the growing urgency that I need to do it.
Last night I tried to do it half way. I settled down into the spirit world, and molded my form into the image of how I intend to appear, smearing ashes across my face to make the correct markings.
Woody appeared, wearing his own skull face and lead me to where I needed to be.
Where I needed to be was not appearing before an incarnation of Death.
Instead, I was taken right to a cusp between life and death. I could feel the tides of force between the two, and could feel them within myself.
Here, hanging in the balance I came to understand how all life seeks death, and the dead seek life. There is nothing contradictory or aberrant about this, as we are all constantly moving on the cycle, waiting to spiral back around near where we once were, but moving immeasurably forward from origin to destination(I have no idea which end of the spiral is which, or if it matters, or is even consistent).
I am not dying, I am merely sick. It will take me some time to grow well, but when it finally comes I will be better for the experience. The suicidal thoughts are merely a part of the disease wreaking havoc on my self.
Despite all the forces at work on my life, pushing and pulling me in different directions, I am right to stay stubbornly on my path, walking the edge as usual, and pushing forward in the direction which guides me.
I don't know when I will be better, and I don't know when or if I have hit my Nadir, but life is not all just a sinking feeling, and life will get better, so long as I keep focused and keep pushing ahead.
