Saturday, March 17, 2012
Porn is what is wrong with the world
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Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Moving on up...
I know, I said my Magic 101 blog would be next, and I do intend to get around to writing that, I've found about half of it already written from a saved 4chan /x/ thread I started a few years back.
In the meantime, have this cross post from my live journal to see what's going on in my personal life.
I finally got around to calling my mom for money. She volunteered it almost without question (and those questions were mostly, how much and where do I send it). I didn't expect otherwise, and I still feel guilty for ASKING for help(I don't suffer such qualms or hesitate when it is offered). She also asked whether she can kidnap me, and I could only respond with, "Well, I wouldn't fight it."
Which led me back to thinking about why I haven't moved back to California, and what I have left tying me down here. I was surprised to find there wasn't really any answers. Last summer thoughts of moving home were dismissed only because Q wouldn't have gone through with it. I don't have to worry about him now. My stuff is mostly packed and I know how much I have. Last I checked PODS cost like $500 to get the smallest sized unit moved to a new location.
I will leave behind friends, and possibly some taxidermy, but all I can think about is the fact that I have no aspirations or goals about living out here. I'm floundering, badly, and I can't quite keep an even keel long enough to start dragging my head above water. I can see where it started, at the beginning I really wanted to give Q another try, after I could prove to myself that I am an independent adult, but I'm not ready to do that yet and Q has finished off all his prospects my way.
And that really doesn't leave much. Hopefully going back to school and focusing on myself will help put me back on a road to stability. I know how to make friends now, I have a group of people I will likely get along great with after I move and I will be exposed to a much more active furry presence than I was aware of then. My social skills have grown over the last few years, thanks mostly to the presence of the furry community I have knit myself into, and going to therapy has done a lot to help me recognize valuable keys in putting back together my self worth and figuring out what I want to do with my life.
A few weeks ago I was being terrified by the yawning abyss of my near future, I've always been able to daydream about the 'in a few years' kind of future, because those are vague goals without clear steps to accomplish, nothing I am held to doing in the here and now. The here and now has also been pretty terrifying, trying to consolidate the differences between what I can do, what I need to do, and what I actually do.
I think all the panic was because I didn't really know what I was doing here. This is the first time I've broken up with anyone, much less been divorced I don't want to think the worst of the person I was in love with for a few years, but I also can't ignore the wrongs I've suffered, and more importantly, I can't ignore the wrongs I've allowed to happen to me. I don't think Q really understands that. That he is no longer a part of what is wrong with the picture, and him making up for everything was never relevant. It has been a matter of my wrong doing, to myself, and how I'm going to make up for it. My life has been paused these last several years, I put my aspirations on hold to try to focus on the here and now, only to watch that crumble down, over and over again, until there was nothing else but struggling to survive by my nails. I didn't have a future.
Time dragged then. Now my future is rushing to meet me and I can barely keep up. It still intimidates me, and I'm still terrified it's all going to blow up in my face and that the desert might be the end of me after all.
But I'm much better prepared to face it than I was. I know how to make friends, I know that I want to go back to school and try for a career, and hopefully in time find a relevant employer who is willing to encourage it.
And of course, this move means that I will be closer to my new boyfriend.
In the meantime, have this cross post from my live journal to see what's going on in my personal life.
I finally got around to calling my mom for money. She volunteered it almost without question (and those questions were mostly, how much and where do I send it). I didn't expect otherwise, and I still feel guilty for ASKING for help(I don't suffer such qualms or hesitate when it is offered). She also asked whether she can kidnap me, and I could only respond with, "Well, I wouldn't fight it."
Which led me back to thinking about why I haven't moved back to California, and what I have left tying me down here. I was surprised to find there wasn't really any answers. Last summer thoughts of moving home were dismissed only because Q wouldn't have gone through with it. I don't have to worry about him now. My stuff is mostly packed and I know how much I have. Last I checked PODS cost like $500 to get the smallest sized unit moved to a new location.
I will leave behind friends, and possibly some taxidermy, but all I can think about is the fact that I have no aspirations or goals about living out here. I'm floundering, badly, and I can't quite keep an even keel long enough to start dragging my head above water. I can see where it started, at the beginning I really wanted to give Q another try, after I could prove to myself that I am an independent adult, but I'm not ready to do that yet and Q has finished off all his prospects my way.
And that really doesn't leave much. Hopefully going back to school and focusing on myself will help put me back on a road to stability. I know how to make friends now, I have a group of people I will likely get along great with after I move and I will be exposed to a much more active furry presence than I was aware of then. My social skills have grown over the last few years, thanks mostly to the presence of the furry community I have knit myself into, and going to therapy has done a lot to help me recognize valuable keys in putting back together my self worth and figuring out what I want to do with my life.
A few weeks ago I was being terrified by the yawning abyss of my near future, I've always been able to daydream about the 'in a few years' kind of future, because those are vague goals without clear steps to accomplish, nothing I am held to doing in the here and now. The here and now has also been pretty terrifying, trying to consolidate the differences between what I can do, what I need to do, and what I actually do.
I think all the panic was because I didn't really know what I was doing here. This is the first time I've broken up with anyone, much less been divorced I don't want to think the worst of the person I was in love with for a few years, but I also can't ignore the wrongs I've suffered, and more importantly, I can't ignore the wrongs I've allowed to happen to me. I don't think Q really understands that. That he is no longer a part of what is wrong with the picture, and him making up for everything was never relevant. It has been a matter of my wrong doing, to myself, and how I'm going to make up for it. My life has been paused these last several years, I put my aspirations on hold to try to focus on the here and now, only to watch that crumble down, over and over again, until there was nothing else but struggling to survive by my nails. I didn't have a future.
Time dragged then. Now my future is rushing to meet me and I can barely keep up. It still intimidates me, and I'm still terrified it's all going to blow up in my face and that the desert might be the end of me after all.
But I'm much better prepared to face it than I was. I know how to make friends, I know that I want to go back to school and try for a career, and hopefully in time find a relevant employer who is willing to encourage it.
And of course, this move means that I will be closer to my new boyfriend.
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